Commander Keen episode 10: Hasta la Vista Heaven
by StupidSequel
Summary: When Keen dies from eating a piece of broccoli, God tells him that Mortimer McMire is scheming a plot to blow up heaven. Keen comes back and needs to find a way to stop his nemesis or else everyone who dies will have to go to hell when they die.


**Commander Keen episode 10: Hasta la Vista, Heaven!**

This crack sequel takes place after the fan sequel trilogy The Universe is Toast.

"If I can't destroy the universe, I might as well destroy what lies beyond. Maybe by destroying what lays beyond the edge of the universe, it may actually be the architecture that holds the universe together. He he he!" Mortimer McMire laughed maniacally.

Next Sunday at church, Mortimer had something to ask his Sunday school teacher.

"Miss Flaversham, if God created the universe, then what lies beyond the edge of the universe?"

"Good question. God is not governed by the laws of this universe, so he's outside the universe. Since God reigns in heaven, then heaven must also be outside the universe, observing everything in it at once like Big Brother, except not evil. God watches everything you do, so there's no such thing as privacy."

"He watches me when I get dressed? Ew, God is such a pervert!"

_Yet another r__eason I should destroy heaven, _Mortimer thought.

Meanwhile Keen decided to celebrate his victory against Mortimer by eating bacon wrapped bacon. "I love you because you're not a vegetable. Seriously, vegetables are overrated. I never wanna go to any deserts or any swimming pools ever again because that damn song keeps looping over and over again, telling me to eat my vegetables!"

"Put that away, Billy, and eat your broccoli. You can have that for dessert."

"Fine." Keen angrily threw the bacon in the trash, sat down, and ate his broccoli.

"Broccoli? AW, I HATE BROCCOLI! You know, I have fun being obese and being diabetic. All those thousands upon thousands of junk foods made for me on the various planets I explored make me wonder how I'm still alive. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." Keen picked up his broccoli and ate it. Keen died.

"Where am I?" Keen saw blinding light around him, unable to feel any negative emotion at all. "HEAVEN?"

"It was the broccoli that killed you." God said. "You have built up so much tolerance to candy and junkfood that any healthy foods will instantly kill you. Dude, you just died at the worst possible time. You see, your arch enemy Mortimer McMire is plotting to destroy heaven because he thinks that will also destroy the universe as well."

"OH NO! If he succeeds, then where will I spend my eternity?"

"I'm getting to that. Since there will be no more heaven, then that just leaves hell. That's right. Any soul that dies will be damned to hell forever, and the same goes for any soul that was in heaven."

"You're God, right? Well, can't you just rebuild heaven if he destroys it?"

"No, I'm afraid not. Hell has a one way portal, so even I will go to hell for all eternity if heaven is destroyed. So that's why everyone who was in heaven is now back to life on Earth."

"God, going to a place that's a separation from God for all eternity... my brain hurts," Keen pondered.

"I'm going to have to bring you back to life so you can stop Mortimer from blowing up heaven. Me help us all!"

"How can I do that?"

"Find a way."

"No poop, Sherlock! Circular statements are not helping!"

"Smell ya later!" God said.

Keen found himself back in his own earthly body on Earth.

After feeding his pet Yorp, he got on his quad-cycle to Mortimer's house. He wasn't home, but there was a note on the door that read "Don't fucl with me, Keen. P.S. Drop some weight pl0x. Eating a diet consisting entirely of candy and soft drinks can't be good for you."

He searched Mortimer's room for clues. Except he didn't do exactly that because his room was entirely empty!

"Since God wouldn't give me so much as a hint, maybe I'd better eat something healthy." There was no healthy food anywhere in the house. Just junk food. "Drat!"

Keen checked the salad bar at Kroger. No healthy food there either. All the "salad' was just taffy in the shape and size of a salad such that one could easily be deceived.

"If I can't stop Mortimer's plans, then maybe I'd better convince everyone to sin their heart out so they can go to hell and be saved from heaven's destruction!"

Next Sunday at church, Keen witnessed a baptism. He went up to the podium. "Everyone listen up, this is urgent! My arch nemesis Mortimer McMire is planning to blow up heaven, so you all will no longer have a place to be saved for eternity, so you do not have to give your heart to Jesus. If you go to hell, then you will never have been spoiled by the awesomeness of heaven, so it won't be as bad. Please, everyone, give your hearts to Satan instead. SATAN IS LORD!"

Everyone in the congregation face palmed at the same time.

Keen was going door to door being a Satan's witness (like a Jehova's witness, except encouraging Satan worship instead of Satan's nemesis worship.) They all slammed the door in his face.

Keen raised a piece of broccoli to his mouth. "God is a big fat stinky doo doo head," and was about to eat the piece of broccoli to end his life, until the TV suddenly turning on to immense loud levels to startle him. His dad was going to watch the U of L game. He accidentally sat on the remote. The channel changed to a documentary came on the television about a guy who had a near death experience and saw hell. He talked about how awful it was in great detail.

"The smell of decay and burning flesh was real strong. There was the feeling of hopelessness, of intense guilt from every sin I ever committed." Keen cringed at his harsh words.

"I'm sorry God, for calling you a fat doo doo head." He ate the broccoli and found himself at the padlocked gates of heaven.

"Sorry Billy, but heaven is on lockdown right now. No one is allowed in. I want to spare every soul from the destruction."

Keen came back to life again. He went inside his bean with bacon mega rocket and orbited the earth to see if there was anything strange. And something strange he did see. His nemesis was building something that resembled a huge tall ladder made of California Redwood trees duct taped on top of ladders. The song "Stairway to Heaven" playing on the radio was a dead giveaway. "That thing looks real flimsy and sketchy. I bet I can knock it down with ease by crashing my ship into it." He crashed his ship into it. It didn't budge, but Keen's ship did sustain significant damage. Keen landed on the not so far away Gnosticus IV. "Hey, I've been here before. I'd rather be here than on Mars, the Vorticon home planet, the Omegamatic, Fribbulus Xax, Krodacia, or Calidune, just because the author's favorite Keen game takes place on this planet."

He found the old men he rescued in the fourth game huddles around the Oracle thing, the same one that showed Keen what the Shikadi looked like. A Robo Red was following him.

"Go home, Robo Red! You're drunk! Dopefish is way cooler." Robo Red obeyed. He tried to fly his ship off of the planet. "Oh, right. My ship is wrecked. Oh, I think I know how to get off this planet!"

He went to the Pyramid of the Moons and gathered the twelve inchworms in one place. A foot appeared out of nowhere. Keen piloted the foot. "Aw poop! This foot is too slow to make it to the end of the ladder that Mortimer has speedily constructed. But that's okay, I have another idea."

He piloted the foot to Fribbulus Xax. "I remember this one trick that only worked on this planet due to the strange gravity." Keen jumped up, fired a shot at the ground, and when he landed, found himself standing slightly above the ground. "Impossible bullet trick time!" While slightly above the ground, he fired straight up in the air, and was riding on his neural stunner shot skyward. "He he he, I can catch up to my nemesis before he reaches the edge of the universe with his ladder. I don't need my ship anymore now that the impossible bullet trick has saved my- AAAAAHHHH!" Mortimer had finished his ladder and was at the edge of the universe. The edge of the universe had a sign that read "DO NOT ENTER. AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL ONLY." He had in his hand something that looked like a small cherry bomb with the letter H on it, crossed out with a red circle with a line thru it.

"Say your prayers, Billy! Actually don't because there will be no God for much longer." Mort laughed maniacally.

"So how important do you think it is to eat a healthy diet?" Keen asked him while holding out a broccoli he purloined.

"Broccoli sucks. I know those things are poison. I'm not stupid, 314!"

Mortimer pushed the button to detonate. Keen climbed back down, racing as fast as he could. A huge explosion rattled the edges of the universe. Keen didn't see how the universe could retain its integrity, still.

"DRAT! The universe is still here!" Mortimer spat. He saw a corpse of an old, smart looking, beautiful man wearing long robes drift through the edge of the universe. Mortimer smiled in an evil way. "Oh my God, I think I just killed God! THIS IS GREAT!" He laughed maniacally, ate his broccoli in celebration, and died.

Keen, about midway down the ladder, broke down in tears when he saw the dead God that all Christians believed in, never again able to let souls into heaven. Now every soul in the world was doomed to an eternity in hell, even if they accepted Jesus and repented.

The earth looked a lot gloomier than usual. All the crosses on all the churches were turned upside down. All the Bibles were now just piles of dust, left to blow away in the wind. All the happiness was sucked out of what was once a lively and lovely place to live. If you asked "what is love?" everyone would answer with "I dunno" instead of either "God" or "baby don't hurt me."

Keen wondered how he was gonna tell everyone that God was dead and that they had no way of getting into heaven, ever. Keen purloined an airplane and decided to write a note in the sky.

He then remembered the Bio-Gaargs (episode 9 of the modded trilogy).

"Vitalin was keeping them alive! So I just gotta make some Vitalin! Problem is, I don't know the ingredients."

Keen flew his Bean-with-Bacon megarocket over to VitaCorp to search for the recipe for Vitalin. He snatched it, scanned it, and followed the Vitalin recipe to a T.

After a few years of studying business and industrial engineering, Keen finally opened up VitaCorp here on Earth, not worried about patent infringements in the slightest. There was enough Vitalin manufactured to feed the entire world population. Now immortality was within reach.

Keen found his ray gun from episode 1 and shot the AntiChrist several times, killing him, took the throne, and used the AntiChrist's Big Brother technology to alert everyone that they are required to pump themselves full of Vitalin or be executed.

"I don't care that there is no heaven anymore," someone said in a drunken haze. The world quickly became a corrupted cesspool of sin. It was like a 25,000 mile circumference Las Vegas. And then the entire world population became bored because they had literally done everything there is to do, ever.

"Okay, now I wish there was a heaven."

"Me too. But we can't die or else we'll go to hell. But we'll be bored non-stop for as long as we live."

Keen flew his Bean-with-Bacon megarocket over to the huge hole at the edge of the universe. Heaven looked like an apocalyptic landscape. Keen scoured the dystopic scenery gorn for blueprints. Sure enough, he found them.

It was a team effort, but all the earth's 7 billion people managed to follow God's heaven blueprints to a T, and now they had somewhere besides hell to spend eternity. Now they needed another God to replace the dead Christian God.

Walmart has everything, right? Sure enough, Keen found God somewhere in the electronics aisle. There was a huge price tag. God cost (insert number of monies in the entire world). Luckily Keen had a credit card with that much money on it. Keen bought God, and now there was a God now!

Upon hearing the good news, the entire world population staged and committed a mass suicide so they could enter heaven. Upon entering heaven, Keen gasped. Mortimer McMire had entered heaven too!


End file.
